Yesterday, as I could barely move from my couch, I had to remind myself of something that I am learning through both cancer and my dissertation- that progress is not always linear. I'll preface my weekly walk-through by saying that my body has been an absolute obstacle to me this past week. It has needed much more rest than I am accustomed to, even throughout this treatment. The cumulative effects of chemo have finally proven to be real. I have finished something, but am still reckoning with its effects every day. There just don't seem to be too many clear bookends to cancer.
Bref. The Wednesday after chemo, I went to see my plastic surgeon*. It is a bit of an overwhelming experience to have a nurse walk you through how you will wake up in a hospital bed, without a body part that you have had for 31 years. She jovially explained how surgical drains, which will be stitched to my sides, will need to be 'milked' and emptied of pooling fluids, staying there for 5 days to two weeks. When the doctor told me that a tissue expander will be placed either in front of or behind my pectoral muscle (depending on the outcomes of my mastectomy) and slowly brought to my 'desired size', I pictured myself like a deflated bike wheel, ready to be pumped up. Being on the receiving end of a surgical language is abutting against the notion of losing an intimate piece of me. I am simultaneously picturing A body as a vessel that needs to be fixed (like a bike) and MY body, the one that has carried me through life, about to undergo a trauma (like a friend). Contradictions abound.
But HEY, at least on Thursday we went to Peter Lugers! In a very Stahlian way, and despite not feeling 100%, we decided to celebrate the end of chemo as a family by heading to a steakhouse. The trip was made all the more exciting by the fact that Bill Murray was sitting behind us. Can you spot him?
On Friday, my dad and I took a bit of a long walk, and then Elana and my friend Hannah came over for Shabbat. We had a nice dinner with my parents that concluded with Elana's signature Carvel cake:
Both of those ladies always know how to make a girl feel loved. Saturday was a very bad day, and with the exception of a short walk, I did not really move from my apartment. I was very grateful for a bath spiked with CBD bath bombs, sent from my dear friend Trez:
On Sunday, we got some tacos, and I am happy to report that I am finally back on my wig bullshit now that it is no longer uncomfortably hot:
Then we headed to Stan's going away party before he heads west. We will miss him dearly, but were happy for the opportunity to catch up with all these cuties:
Yesterday, all of the previous week's activities caught up with me. I woke up feeling absolutely awful. So achy, coughy, and tired. I cancelled my afternoon plans with Elana** and just hibernated. Being someone who never naps, I slept on and off from about noon to 4 pm. Then I fell asleep in front of the TV at 9:30 pm, and went to bed shortly thereafter. It was frustrating. But I am learning, very slowly, to listen to my body and be patient with it. It is not an easy task. I'm trying my damn best. I woke up today feeling much better, though still tired. Still, I am grateful for the ability to write this post, and maybe even do a little work, and go for a walk later. I hope that each day gets a little better, but am keenly aware it may not very well work out that way. So here's to non-linear progress, with all of its frustrations and surprises.
*Who, have I mentioned, looks like a Gray's Anatomy character?
**We were going to do some work together and take a Revel scooter class! I'll reschedule soon.
Bref. The Wednesday after chemo, I went to see my plastic surgeon*. It is a bit of an overwhelming experience to have a nurse walk you through how you will wake up in a hospital bed, without a body part that you have had for 31 years. She jovially explained how surgical drains, which will be stitched to my sides, will need to be 'milked' and emptied of pooling fluids, staying there for 5 days to two weeks. When the doctor told me that a tissue expander will be placed either in front of or behind my pectoral muscle (depending on the outcomes of my mastectomy) and slowly brought to my 'desired size', I pictured myself like a deflated bike wheel, ready to be pumped up. Being on the receiving end of a surgical language is abutting against the notion of losing an intimate piece of me. I am simultaneously picturing A body as a vessel that needs to be fixed (like a bike) and MY body, the one that has carried me through life, about to undergo a trauma (like a friend). Contradictions abound.
But HEY, at least on Thursday we went to Peter Lugers! In a very Stahlian way, and despite not feeling 100%, we decided to celebrate the end of chemo as a family by heading to a steakhouse. The trip was made all the more exciting by the fact that Bill Murray was sitting behind us. Can you spot him?
On Friday, my dad and I took a bit of a long walk, and then Elana and my friend Hannah came over for Shabbat. We had a nice dinner with my parents that concluded with Elana's signature Carvel cake:
Both of those ladies always know how to make a girl feel loved. Saturday was a very bad day, and with the exception of a short walk, I did not really move from my apartment. I was very grateful for a bath spiked with CBD bath bombs, sent from my dear friend Trez:
On Sunday, we got some tacos, and I am happy to report that I am finally back on my wig bullshit now that it is no longer uncomfortably hot:
Then we headed to Stan's going away party before he heads west. We will miss him dearly, but were happy for the opportunity to catch up with all these cuties:
Yesterday, all of the previous week's activities caught up with me. I woke up feeling absolutely awful. So achy, coughy, and tired. I cancelled my afternoon plans with Elana** and just hibernated. Being someone who never naps, I slept on and off from about noon to 4 pm. Then I fell asleep in front of the TV at 9:30 pm, and went to bed shortly thereafter. It was frustrating. But I am learning, very slowly, to listen to my body and be patient with it. It is not an easy task. I'm trying my damn best. I woke up today feeling much better, though still tired. Still, I am grateful for the ability to write this post, and maybe even do a little work, and go for a walk later. I hope that each day gets a little better, but am keenly aware it may not very well work out that way. So here's to non-linear progress, with all of its frustrations and surprises.
*Who, have I mentioned, looks like a Gray's Anatomy character?
**We were going to do some work together and take a Revel scooter class! I'll reschedule soon.
So impressed by your ability to be bravely honest and also bravely brave through all of this. You are an incredible human. <3
ReplyDelete