Well, fuck this shit!

Hello! Lately, I haven't really felt like posting a blog, in part because I haven't really felt like having cancer. When I reached the halfway point last week, instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I actually felt really frustrated that I have to repeat the same amount of chemo sessions I already have under my belt.* And then I got to thinking about how I'm only halfway through the first step of my treatment. And how even when I am done with the next intensive steps– surgery, then radiation, and likely, more surgery– I will be taking medicine every day for the next 5-10 years that will basically put me into early menopause. And I will be monitored for the next several decades to make sure this piece of shit cancer doesn't recur somewhere else in my body.

Greg initially described this whole cancer thing as a detour. But it actually feels like my car has been hijacked. And when the hijacker finally abandons it, it's keeping a few parts.

There's just so much I miss. I miss having a clear head when I sit down at my computer. I miss not thinking about how much water I'm drinking. I miss my hair. I miss being able to make concrete plans about my future. I miss traveling. I miss my mamie. I'm missing being at Kathrine and Sucharit's wedding with Drey, and in Argentina with Nicole and co. I miss worrying about my work instead of about my health.  I miss having a cocktail on a hot day.

I know I will get many of these things back. But I am increasingly coming to terms with the sense that my life has been changed dramatically by a force I did not invite into it.

Still, there have been so many good things this past week or so. There were outdoor movies and picnics:

And an unexpected trip to visit Marilu and Jorge out on Long Island with Nicole, complete with a dip in the pool and a visit from Coco (and Erica, and Mr. Fuzz):

There were packages from Audrey, including the most wonderful series of letters, beautiful photos from our time in Paris, and a head scarf that I asked for (and love, but am facing some competition):

There was a book dropped in the mail for me from the CU library from my colleague, Bernadette. And a lovely letter and gift from an old friend, Madeleine (and her mom), complete with a sign made by Mad's very talented and adorable daughter Susannah: 

There was this floofy dog I saw in Central Park, and this other little dude I saw on the subway: 

There were the countless meals Jon whipped up**, and there's the fact that I got my medical marijuana card:

And to close, there was this great gift from Nicole and Steve, a framed photo of one of the excellent notes that Nicole found in Octavia Butler's archives out in Pasadena:

The summer, and my treatment, is rambling on. There have been many so many difficult moments and wonderful things. I am literally grateful to be alive. But there is so much more to go. There is so much more living to do.

*I guess that chemo glass was half full, after all.
**Including an incredible chicken larb and a mean steak.