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This is cancer!

Cancer is... 

  • Waking up to find hundreds of hairs on your pillow and being scared of the shower because the hair just won't stop falling out. 
  • Drinking water and electrolytes nonstop and still feeling dehydrated all. the. damn. time. 
  • Reading the same paragraph over and over and over and not absorbing any of it. 
  • Thinking your brain will never be clear enough to finish your dissertation. 
  • Wondering about what you would be doing in that moment if you didn't have cancer. 
  • Saying to yourself, "I have cancer." and it still being weird. 
  • Wanting to call your Mami but not wanting to have to answer the question about why you're not having babies yet. 
  • Sore throats and stuffy noses on the first day of summer. 
  • Feeling an added responsibility to imbue meaning into things because the precariousness of life has been revealed to you. 
  • Going from never napping a day in your life to not being able to keep your eyes open by 3 pm.
  • Being bored.
  • Doing the dishes and feeling like you just ran a few miles. 
  • Trying to reconfigure your priorities when you have long been defined by your work, but you no longer have the stamina to actually do it consistently. 

Cancer is also...
  • Going out for breakfast AND lunch on a Saturday.
 
  • Your husband gently stroking your head until you fall asleep when the headache feels like it won't ever go away. 
  • Buying pretty Moschino silk scarves at Century 21. 
  • Your mom's perfect couscous boulettes made on demand. 
  • Karen sending you her head covers from the other side. 

  • Your brother, who lives across the country, saying, "I've got the even treatment weeks, and Jeremy's got the odd ones!" 
  • Elana coming over for Shabbat, buying a Carvel cake that wishes you a happy birthday, and saying that you're starting a new chemo week tradition. 

  • Mrs. Farwell sending a care package with just the most spot on head scarf and CBD coffee in it. 

  • A long and lovely phone call with Therese. 
  • Goldy fitting you in for yet another haircut (a GI Jane buzz, likely). 
  • Waking up early on a beautiful Sunday morning and walking your compost up to the farmer's market. 

  • A ribeye steak when your iron counts are low. 
  • Kathrine Skyping with you from Copenhagen to digitally walk you through a meditation session. 
  • Joking about cutting your hair to look like your bald father's (/Bernie Sanders/Larry David). 
  • Cherishing the forthcoming off week. 


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