Hi friends, I know this blog has mostly been information transmission so far, but now for a feelings-y post. First things first– so far this week has been a bit rough. We did my fertility "egg retrieval" procedure on Monday AM, which went well (Yay!). But after, I was feeling really bloat-y and in pain, so we came home and were just hanging out on the couch. Then the landlord who will be renting my parents a crash pad in our building during my treatment came by with an offer to show us the apartment. I told G I could scheme it if we took it easy, so we took the elevator up there, nice and easy. But at the end of our little walk through, I told Greg that I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home. Next thing I knew, I woke up propped up on a mattress on the floor. Turns out I fainted twice, back-to-back. Was in and out. Tried to go back downstairs, and fainted a third time before making it back to our apartment. Greg decided we should call the EMT, and we spent our Memorial Day in the hospital. Here is a picture of me in my gown at Maimonides:
It was a fine visit: the EMTs picked me up, nice and easy. When we got to Maimonides, the ER docs took my vitals and did an EKG (I went my whole life without getting any EKGs and I've gotten 3 in the last week!*), two nice OBGYN's did an ultrasound, and they just monitored me. Greg ate an egg salad sandwich that a volunteer was handing out, I drank some apple juice. In the end, everything was fine- turns out it was likely a cocktail of the pain, the anesthesia, and some dehydration from not having consumed anything before the procedure. I'm feeling much better today... still a little bloat-y, but I saw my fertility doctor today and she said it was nothing out of the ordinary, and she gave me a clean bill of health to move forward with my chemo tomorrow, so long as my oncologist gives the okay.
In addition to the medical stuff, I'm still dealing with all the feelings resulting from landing in the ER. It was the first time I ever fainted, and I hated losing control like that. I also currently hate having to take it super easy as I recover from this procedure. I worry it's a precursor for the next several months, and it really freaks me out. Like most people, I hate being sick. Then add to that the fact that I'm a stubborn New Yorker who always likes to be productive, and I'm nervous. I am trying to be hopeful that I'll handle chemo alright, but in all honesty, I am very scared of what's to come. I'm supposed to start tomorrow– and I want to get started. I want to start killing the bad cells that I know are inside of me. But I also am fucking scared.
Beyond having to take it slow, there are a lot of things that are totally weird about having cancer. Like having to move my insurance card from an inaccessible part of my wallet to a more prime one, next to the MetroCard. Or replying to an email from a new colleague, fighting the impulse to scream through the screen, 'oh and PS- I have cancer!' These past few weeks I've looked at strangers on the subway and thought to myself, 'you don't have cancer, and you don't have cancer, and you don't have cancer.' I dwell on the people around my age, and I wonder what they're worrying about. Their job, money, which friends to hang out with over the weekend, when to get married, or have kids. Pretty presumptuous of me to just assume they're fine, or what they're thinking, right? What do I know?! But these are the things that consumed me just a few short weeks ago. And I hope they'll consume me again soon.
The weird thing about having cancer is not that everything changes overnight. It's the precise opposite- it's that the world around you stays exactly the same, and you just have to add a toxic-but-healing repertoire and an endless parade of doctors to your daily life. My mom and her sisters keep saying it's like we stepped into an alternate universe. But alas, no. This is just, well, life. At least for now.
To not end on a total bummer of a note, I must ask, dear readers– who is the kind soul that sent me a case of coconut water yesterday?!?! My Amazon deliveries never include notes, but THANK YOU, let me know it was you in the comments (or take credit for it anyways, someone aught to!) Sending you all love, and please send me tons of good healing vibes for my first chemo session tomorrow. <3.
*I think it's fascinating that 3M makes all the little stickies for the EKG machine. Post-it notes, be damned, I bet 3M makes most of its moolah from the medical industrial complex!
In addition to the medical stuff, I'm still dealing with all the feelings resulting from landing in the ER. It was the first time I ever fainted, and I hated losing control like that. I also currently hate having to take it super easy as I recover from this procedure. I worry it's a precursor for the next several months, and it really freaks me out. Like most people, I hate being sick. Then add to that the fact that I'm a stubborn New Yorker who always likes to be productive, and I'm nervous. I am trying to be hopeful that I'll handle chemo alright, but in all honesty, I am very scared of what's to come. I'm supposed to start tomorrow– and I want to get started. I want to start killing the bad cells that I know are inside of me. But I also am fucking scared.
Beyond having to take it slow, there are a lot of things that are totally weird about having cancer. Like having to move my insurance card from an inaccessible part of my wallet to a more prime one, next to the MetroCard. Or replying to an email from a new colleague, fighting the impulse to scream through the screen, 'oh and PS- I have cancer!' These past few weeks I've looked at strangers on the subway and thought to myself, 'you don't have cancer, and you don't have cancer, and you don't have cancer.' I dwell on the people around my age, and I wonder what they're worrying about. Their job, money, which friends to hang out with over the weekend, when to get married, or have kids. Pretty presumptuous of me to just assume they're fine, or what they're thinking, right? What do I know?! But these are the things that consumed me just a few short weeks ago. And I hope they'll consume me again soon.
The weird thing about having cancer is not that everything changes overnight. It's the precise opposite- it's that the world around you stays exactly the same, and you just have to add a toxic-but-healing repertoire and an endless parade of doctors to your daily life. My mom and her sisters keep saying it's like we stepped into an alternate universe. But alas, no. This is just, well, life. At least for now.
To not end on a total bummer of a note, I must ask, dear readers– who is the kind soul that sent me a case of coconut water yesterday?!?! My Amazon deliveries never include notes, but THANK YOU, let me know it was you in the comments (or take credit for it anyways, someone aught to!) Sending you all love, and please send me tons of good healing vibes for my first chemo session tomorrow. <3.
*I think it's fascinating that 3M makes all the little stickies for the EKG machine. Post-it notes, be damned, I bet 3M makes most of its moolah from the medical industrial complex!
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