They deflate me/you inflate me!

Hello! It may have been the longest stretch of time I've gone without posting since starting this blog, and that is mostly a good thing. It means that I've had the energy to get back into the swing of things, and to be busy. I recently listened to a podcast by the woman who wrote the book I reference in my breast cancer awareness month post and she said something that really rang true to me. In describing her life pre-cancer, she said something along the lines of, "our life was full of well, a whole lot of life." I very much feel the same way. And getting back to a new normal, one with a whole lot of doctors, but also a whole lot of well, life, has been very cathartic for me. This has meant that: 

I've been prepping my lectures for my class (and giving them once a week) and going grocery shopping and cooking us dinner. 

I've been making carrot cakes for Grisha and celebrating him with all of our nearest and dearest: 

I've been going to PT, which now kind of feels like exercise, often wearing this amazing San Quentin CARES shirt from Emily, Sami, and the guys involved in the walk at San Quentin State Prison: 

I've been celebrating Steve's 40th (!) birthday with a wonderful Italian dinner and wonderful (mostly not Italian) company, organized expertly by Nicole: 

I've been going over to Elana's with Hannah for perfect fall dinners: 

I've been grabbing rooftop drinks and catching generously-gifted musicals with Lou and her new boyfriend, up from D.C.: 

I've been going for fall walks, both by myself and with Anna (when the weather has been tolerable at least): 

I've been eating breakfast tacos and having study dates with Liz*: 

But, as it goes, I've also done a lot of things related to cancer. 

The weekend after Greg's birthday, I had my first infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta to work on that HER-2 re-diagnosis. I was lucky to be joined by Martina, Em, and Nicole, and to have a surprise visit from Aaron, who collectively brought me flowers, fed me pastries, and served up the most artfully-presented butternut squash soup and focaccia to grace the halls of Sloan-Kettering: 

Then, Em and Nicole drove me home and kept me company until Grisha got back from work (and also cleaned up my mess of an apartment a bit, read: I have excellent friends). As for the side effects, the good news is that I had no serious reactions to the infusion immediately after, and felt mostly normal the rest of that week. The not-so-good news is that I did develop a rash like 6 days after, had to go see a dermatologist at Sloan about it, and still have to go see the allergist next week to make sure that I'm not going to break out into hives from the next infusion. 

I also started radiation yesterday. That was a frustrating experience for a few reasons. First, my appointment was super late, at 8:40 PM. My radiation oncologist had initially told me that they may have to deflate my left "breast" a little bit to make sure all the angles were right for the radiation treatment on my right side. So upon my arrival, I met with a member from the plastics team, who then informed me that she was going to take out HALF of the amount of fluid they had already put in. This means a) I am very lopsided, and more importantly, b) I have to go through the hellscape that is tissue expansion AGAIN, at the end of radiation. Though it apparently will be easier, I am not looking forward to it. Then, after they left the left foob all sad and deflated, they took me back to the treatment room for my set-up. In the spirit of changing their tune again, the radiation techs had said that it would take 30-40 minutes to properly position me for the first treatment. Well, when all was said and done, it took nearly two hours. That means that I was in the same position, with my arms over my head, on a very hard table, for about an hour and half straight. It was very uncomfortable, I felt like they treated me like a body instead of a person, and I was very cranky by the time we got home at midnight (only to have to get up at 6:30 AM so we could get back to Sloan the next morning). That's the bad news. The good news is that today's treatment was relatively easy, and I was in and out in 40 minutes, which I think is a new record for my time at Sloan. So now I've got 2 treatments down, only 23 to go! 

In addition to radiation today, I had a check-in with my oncologist in the morning, during which I found out that she is RETIRING next month! This feels like an affront, and I could have used a bit more warning, but I'm trying not to take it personally.** Also, I'm glad to be transferred to another excellent-seeming oncologist who specializes in HER-2 positive disease, which I now have (had?), so that's a total silver lining. 

Anyways, all the residual crumminess associated with the continual twists and turns of treatment have been overshadowed by the biggest, brightest light (yes, I know, I buried the lede here). While I was romping around, Emily, Nicole, Marina B., and Sami were co-conspiring on how to best support me throughout my next phase of treatment. They settled on raising me a handsome sum in Lyft credits so I could take cars to/from treatment without sweating the cab fare. So they sent an email around to our various friend groups, and it kept going around, and before they knew it, they had collected (at the risk of being gauche) over $3,600 dollars. They didn't want to give me that in ride share credits (nor could they, the cap is $500!), so they gave me $500 in Lyft credits and then are cutting me a check to do whatever the hell I want with the rest. 

I got the (beautifully written, Thank you Em!) email while at the dermatologist seeing about this silly rash, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I cried tears of gratitude from Sloan all the way home. In a list of all who donated, I was incredibly touched to see the names of friends who've been already doing so much to love and support me, the names of friends I haven't spoken to in literal years, the names of my friend's families who are like my family, the names of friends who've already sent carefully crafted care packages and flown across oceans and the country to visit with me, the name of friends who are also phenomenal colleagues, the name of friend's friends who I've always gotten along with... over sixty people from various stages of my life came together to do something so remarkably kind for me. To all who donated- thank you is not enough for how you all made me feel, but a proper thank you is coming. I've said it before and I'll say it again- my people are the best people. I'm so lucky to have so many of you in my proverbial corner. 

*Liz also brought me this amazing non-alcoholic beer, which I know sounds lame, but actually tastes SO GOOD!

**Because clearly this woman's career decisions are about ME!